The Great British Public

The Great British Public? Bunch of fucking cunts. I don't know which is worse, your stupidity, your greed, or your clear sense of entirely unwarranted entitlement.

For obvious reasons, I can't divulge too much information so let's just say this — I work for a company with a national High Street retail presence and one of my responsibilities involves incoming customer contact.

Here is a selection of the efforts to give me an aneurysm that the general populace have made this week alone.

Number One:

"I'm sorry, madam, but we have no transaction record of supplying you with that insurance policy. Clearly, it's not impossible that our records are in error, so all you need to do is provide the documentation for the policy and we will be happy to honour it and repair or replace your product free of charge."

"I've lost the paperwork."

"I see. So what you're asking us to do is honour an insurance policy that we have no record of selling to you, and you have no evidence of actually possessing?"

"No. That's not what I'm saying."

"I'm sorry, madam, but that is exactly what you're saying."

"Well, I don't like it when you put it like that. It sounds like I want something for nothing."

"Given that you're asking us to supply replacement product at no charge, without providing any evidence that you actually possess the policy you're asking us to honour, how, precisely would you put it?"

Number Two:

"I'm sorry. I've checked with our Accounts Department and that refund cheque has definitely been posted to you."

"Well, I haven't got it."

"Yes, I'm genuinely sorry about that, madam, but there has been a national postal strike and all the mail is currently subject to a backlog."

"But when am I going to get the cheque?"

"I'm afraid that I can't speak for the Royal Mail."

"Will I get it on Friday?"

"I'm afraid that I can't speak for the Royal Mail."

"What about Saturday?"

"I'm afraid that I can't speak for the Royal Mail."

"Well, when am I going to get it?"

"What part of 'I can't speak for the Royal Mail' are you not understanding?"

Number Three:

"No, I'm sorry, I can definitely confirm that this product has been posted out to you. The Royal Mail is clearing the backlog and you should have the product in the next few days."

"Well, I want to cancel the order and get a refund."

"I understand that, and we will be pleased to honour your refund as soon as you return the goods to us."

"I haven't got the goods."

"I understand that. I'm afraid you'll have to wait for the goods to arrive, and then you can return them in favour of a refund."

"But I want the refund now."

"Yes, I understand that, but surely you understand that if we give your refund without you returning the goods, then we are just giving you the fucking goods?"

Number Four:

"Yes, sir, I understand that you want us to make a written declaration of our findings to enable you to pursue an entirely frivolous law suit against a completely different retailer. However, I hope you can appreciate that since we have no documentation of the supposed findings, and you are now unable to supply the allegedly defective goods in order for us to do a new inspection, our hands are somewhat tied."

"That's not good enough. I wanted those findings recording."

"I understand that, sir. However, given that they weren't, and that I am lacking a time machine or magic wand to enable me undo events that have occurred in the past, my options to help are somewhat limited."

"Well, I don't see why you can't write a letter for my solicitor, anyway."

"I'm sorry, sir, but can you not see that if we supplied you with a written statement that your solicitor used as basis for beginning legal proceedings against another retailer, the very first thing that other retailer would do is instruct their solicitor to find out what evidence we have based our statement? Evidence that we have already established does not exist?"

"Yeah. But why can't you just write the letter?"

"Because that would be dishonest, sir. We would be making a written declaration of 'facts' that we cannot prove are true."

"Yeah, but I know it's true, so why can't you write the letter?"

"Because you're attempting to find grounds for legal action, sir, and what you know is irrelevant. All that matters is what can be proved."

"I want to speak to your superior. You're not interested in helping me."

"No, sir. No-one can help you because you're a fucking idiot."