First they came for the Smokers, then they came for the Fatties ...

... then they came for the Meat Eaters, the Drinkers, the Couch Potatoes, the Rollerbladers, the People Who Don't Look Both Ways When Crossing The Road ... in fact, anyone who ever did anything might conceivably have a negative effect on their health.

Who am I talking about? Fucking Health Nazis, that's who. Bunch of intrusive, nanny-state, unwelcome bastards. You hear me? Mind your own fucking business, you sanctimonious, self-righteous, puritanical bunch of cunts.

They picked on the smokers first, because the public health campaign had already placed them somewhere just above paedophile on the social scale, so they were the easy target. It's the fatties next, it's already started, and they're lining up the drinkers after that.

Have you seen the latest Government guidelines on alcohol? Four units of alcohol in a single sitting is now classed as binge drinking. And, in case you missed the memo, they've been busily engaged reducing the amount of alcohol that constitutes a unit over the last few years.

If you still think that the drink/drive limit is about two pints, guess again. One pint of any premium lager is defined as containing 2.3-2.5 units of alcohol. Frankly, I don't think you should be anywhere near the wheel of a fucking car if you've so much as sniffed alcohol, but in case you don't get the message: one pint of Stella will cause you to fail a breath test.

Two pints, two pints after work and then a walk home for your tea and you are now classified by the Powers That Be as a binge drinker. I don't know about you, but at two pints, I'm barely warming up.

Drinking responsibly is now being represented as basically not drinking at all; no possibility that a person can sit in a pub with his mates and drink all night then go home without causing a nuisance or committing a crime ...

Except, of course, that you are committing a crime in New Labour's Brave New fucking World, you're automatically committing an act of harm on your own body and they know better than you. You don't get to be an adult, you don't get to take responsibility for your actions, they're going to take the matches off you, and the pointy objects, and the booze, and the fatty food, and, in all likelihood, your violent video games, your action movies and your porn.

Because -- and never, ever, forget this -- these things are bad for you and you aren't grown up enough to make an informed decision about any of these things.

But the question no-one wants to answer is this: why the fuck is the Government even trying to get us all to live longer? Seriously? Why are they bothering, when they make it abundantly clear that when you get to retirement age, you're nothing but a terrible burden on society.

Frankly, they should be encouraging us to eat badly, drink and smoke. One more early death is one more lifetime of National Insurance payments the Treasury gets to pocket and shovel back into the collective pot. Frankly, I should get a fucking rebate on my NI if I smoke. I should get a bonus if I smoke around other people for shortening their lives.

In an ideal world, we'd all drop dead of nice, clean heart attacks on the day of our retirement. Work nice, productive lives, pay all our taxes. Die before we get any benefit from them.

But the thing is, Tony ... The thing is, Gordon ... I don't work my arse off day after day, hauling my thoroughly miserable carcass into a dismal office to do a job I hate, just so I can pay my over-inflated mortgage, my extortionate council tax and see the rest of my salary creamed off in PAYE and NI ... No, I work because once all of that fucking money has disappeared from my bank balance, once I've shopped for food and paid my utility bills, on all of which you've creamed another 17.5% off me in VAT, once I've done all that ...

Then I might just conceivably want to spend the pittance that you've left me on something I fucking enjoy, in the full and certain knowledge that that thing is bad for me, fully understanding that I'm trading a few years off the end of my life in favour an earthly vice that gives me pleasure.

I don't believe in eternal life, I don't believe in Heaven or the divine rewards of virtue so leave me THE FUCK ALONE to squander my days exactly as I see fit.

As is my right, you snivelling, interfering cocksuckers.